He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
