tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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