Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
i think my cat just said my name.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
