Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
