saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I am one with the molecules
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