my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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