when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
When are your genitals available?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
