I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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