If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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