His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
