i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
