Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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