I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
