You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
