I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
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We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
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You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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