And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
