I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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