next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
