im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
