I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
