Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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