If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
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according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
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You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.