Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
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Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
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I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.