eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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