You're so nebulous sometimes
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Maybe he injected his testicle?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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