During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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