Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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