i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
They are going to name an STD after you.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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