im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
