you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
