Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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