I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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