He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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