I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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