Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
