so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
