burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
