chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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