I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
