So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
