I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
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Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
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You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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