I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
