I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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