I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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