I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
