you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Can you bring me the toilet please
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
