another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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