Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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