Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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