Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
