I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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