I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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