totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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