There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
