Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave