What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
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We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
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We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?