My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
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Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
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i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.