Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
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I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
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please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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