i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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