your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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